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📜 THE PLATFORM 📜
"A More Perfect (Looking) Union"
Ratified unanimously by the Hot President 2028 Platform Committee
(Committee membership: 1)
🇺🇸 OUR BELIEFS 🇺🇸
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I.
We believe that the leader of the free world should be able to pull off both a suit AND a swimsuit. This is not too much to ask. We are the nation that invented Hollywood. We have STANDARDS.
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II.
We believe in bipartisan hotness. This is not a left or right issue. This is an ⬆️ UP issue. Democrats, Republicans, Independents — we can ALL agree that our president should be someone you wouldn't be embarrassed to show your European friends.
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III.
We demand that all future presidential debates include a casual wear segment. Enough with the suits and ties. Let Americans see their candidates in a polo shirt. In jeans. MAYBE at the beach. How else are we supposed to make an informed decision?
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IV.
We call for the establishment of a National Hotness Council (NHC) to evaluate and certify all future presidential candidates. The NHC would operate independently, with bipartisan appointees selected for their impeccable taste. Their rulings would be final and non-partisan.
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V.
We believe that America's president should be able to attend a G7 summit without lowering the average. When world leaders take the group photo, America should be pulling that photo UP, not dragging it DOWN. We have 330 million people. THERE IS NO EXCUSE.
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VI.
We support term limits — but only for presidents who aren't hot. If you're hot AND doing a good job, stay as long as you want. This isn't about politics. This is about aesthetics.
(This may require a constitutional amendment. We're working on it.) |
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VII.
We propose a new cabinet position: Secretary of Looking Good. This individual would advise the President on style, grooming, and photogenic angles. The Secretary would have full authority to veto any outfit that makes America look bad on the world stage.
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VIII.
We believe that the State of the Union address should include a runway segment. The President walks in, addresses the nation, and then does a lap. Let the American people see what they voted for. TRANSPARENCY in governance starts with TRANSPARENCY in fashion.
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IX.
We call upon the major political parties to include a "Hotness Primary" before the Iowa caucuses. Candidates would be evaluated by a diverse, bipartisan panel of Americans. Scores would be public. Let the PEOPLE decide who is hot enough to lead.
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X.
Finally, and most importantly: we put a man on the moon. We split the atom. We invented jazz, the internet, and the McRib. The idea that we cannot find ONE hot person out of 330 MILLION Americans who is also qualified to be president is, frankly, an insult to this great nation. HOT PRESIDENT 2028. IT'S TIME.
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FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS
(that we are TIRED of answering)
Q: "Isn't this kind of shallow?"
A: Yes. But have you SEEN Rob Jetten?
Look, we're not saying hotness should be the ONLY criterion. We're saying it should be ONE of the criteria. Right now it's ZERO of the criteria and that is why we're losing to the Netherlands. THE NETHERLANDS.
Look, we're not saying hotness should be the ONLY criterion. We're saying it should be ONE of the criteria. Right now it's ZERO of the criteria and that is why we're losing to the Netherlands. THE NETHERLANDS.
Q: "What about qualifications? Experience? Policy positions?"
A: OBVIOUSLY those things matter. We want someone who is qualified AND hot. This is America. We can have both.
JFK was hot AND navigated the Cuban Missile Crisis. Obama was hot AND passed healthcare reform. These things are not mutually exclusive. In fact, our research suggests they're CORRELATED. (See: Evidence page.)
JFK was hot AND navigated the Cuban Missile Crisis. Obama was hot AND passed healthcare reform. These things are not mutually exclusive. In fact, our research suggests they're CORRELATED. (See: Evidence page.)
Q: "Is this a real campaign?"
A: This is the MOST real campaign. We are more committed to this cause than most "real" campaigns are committed to anything. We have a website. We have a guestbook. We have a WEBRING. What more do you want?
Q: "Who is your candidate?"
A: We don't endorse a specific candidate. We endorse a CONCEPT. An IDEAL. A future where America's president can walk into any room on the planet and everyone turns around. We trust the American people to find the right person. They just need to know it's okay to factor in hotness. WE'RE GIVING THEM PERMISSION.
Q: "My friend/coworker/senator doesn't think this is important."
A: Show them the Evidence page. If they're still not convinced, show them a photo of Rob Jetten and then a photo of literally any recent American political figure. Let the visuals do the talking. If they STILL don't get it, they may be beyond saving. But don't give up on them. This movement needs everyone.
Q: "Is this website from the 1990s?"
A: This website is from the HEART. And also yes, stylistically, the 1990s. We believe in form following function, and the function here is PASSION. You don't need React to change the world. You need a <marquee> tag and a DREAM.
CONVINCED YET?
✏️ TAKE THE PLEDGE NOW
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